Dealing with Social Difficulties

Dealing with Social Difficulties:
Helping Your Special-Needs Child Succeed in Social Situations
by Ofra Obejas

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"Does your son display inappropriate behavior at park day? Is your daughter the only girl in her Scouts troop without a best friend?
The solution is here! With HOOKED ON SOCIALIZATION™ your special child will become the coolest kid in the homeschool group. You will feel at ease in public, never again worrying about an impending emotional meltdown. Just practice the program for 5 minutes a day and in two short weeks your child will be POPULAR." Send check or money order to:
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If only it were that easy.

How do you know if your kid even has a social problem? How do you find a correct diagnosis for it? What is the right treatment for the offending behavior? Follow the suggestions below and in two short weeks, ahem, I mean, over the course of your kid's entire childhood, you can help him or her learn to, not only handle social situations with aplomb, but even make a friend or two.

When Did You First Notice a Problem?

Perhaps it was that month when two friends told you that they didn't want to expose their children to your kid. "Expose." As if your son were a virulent infection or inappropriate language. Or maybe it was when you received an anonymous letter from "A friend," suggesting you take your kid to a doctor (meaning psychiatrist) to find out if there was something different (meaning abnormal) you should know about. Let's face it: you've always known your child was different, but you thought different as in unique, not as in Requiring Treatment Now. When you pressed your trusted friends for an opinion, they used evasive maneuvers. "She is a square peg in a round hole," they said, along with other useful clichés.

How do you find the treatment that would cure little Johnny or Jenny of whatever is making them repel people? Psychotherapy? For your child or for you?

How Do I Find the Right Diagnosis?

The first therapist ("this-is-not-really-my-specialty") says there's no problem. "This is a classic case of (boys will be boys/girls will be girls)," she says. A week later, following a second meeting, the same therapist declares that little Jenny has an acute case of X.Y.Z. (Replace XYZ with trendy-disorder-of-the-week.) If you are looking for a little understanding at this point, you'll do well to stay away from your support circle. Everyone is quick to offer his own lay (and unsolicited) observation: Johnny is just (immature/gifted/amoeba-like). People point you to web sites about (Asperger Syndrome/early onset of Alzheimer's/mutant teenagers from outer space). Finding the correct diagnosis takes one trait: a level of mistrust and suspicion that rivals that of hardened criminals. Always ask yourself why the pediatrician is ordering more tests (to justify her department's inflated budget?); or why a child-psychiatrist recommends that you make Johnny pull weeds for an hour a day (because that's what his controlling mother made him do, and he's still in denial about her?). Above all, you need faith coupled with superhuman patience. The correct diagnosis will emerge when you least expect it, by the most circuitous means. One day, a clinic janitor will accidentally knock a pail of water at your daughter's feet, and when she starts flopping in the puddle, it will be discovered that little Jenny is simply suffering from Human-Carp Syndrome. Or something like that.

The Right Social Environment

The latest buzzword in Special Ed. is Total Inclusion, based on the argument that kids thrive in a natural environment. The major flaw in this line of reasoning is calling a setting in which 30-40 kids sit quiet and immobile at their desks a "natural environment." What is common is not necessarily natural. A normal day at Disneyland is 100,000 visitors waiting in lines for up to an hour per ride (this is why Disneyland employs a contingent of troops specially-trained in breaking up riots). Forget what's generally accepted and ask yourself, "What does my kid need?" When you are looking for a suitable environment think of the physical and psychological challenges of your child. My son, for example, cannot differentiate touch modalities. We try to avoid lines if at all possible, because the slightest nudge from the person adjacent to him is interpreted as a challenge to a duel. In general, we gravitate towards wide open country. A kid with auditory difficulties, on the other hand, might want to get close to his playmates, past the culturally accepted personal space bubble.

Psychological Considerations

Sooner or later, a boy in a Special Ed. program will realize that he is not in there because he is an extraordinary individual whose name is Ed. Kids with learning disabilities know they are not up to their age peers' aptitude. It's not exactly the self-esteem boost parents are looking for. Homeschooled kids with special needs are spared the indignity of being corralled into a "dumb-track." There is no separate Special-Ed-room at home. But just as schools mainstream special kids into regular classrooms, homeschooled special-need kids interact with ordinary kids, and eventually notice subtle and not-so-subtle differences between themselves and everyone else. Keeping your daughter covered in bubble-wrap until she is emancipated, while a good idea, is not practical, as bubble-wrap prices continue to soar. Besides, special kids are just as social as their fellow humans, and they need to learn proper social behavior, just like their fellow humans. If you don't allow them to watch how other kids interact, they may never learn how to act in social situations. However, the solution is not to merely throw them into a pool of kids of the same age and expect them to socialize by osmosis. Either because they are sometimes young for their age (particularly common among gifted children), or because it's easier, special-need kids tend to hang around younger kids. They might choose playmates seven years their juniors, if not younger. As long as the older child doesn't get bossed around too much, this is a perfect starting point for learning social cues. But before you throw your child into the harsh social world, consider some home preparations.

What Can We Do At Home?

Many child psychologists believe that, barring chemical triggers, all behavior is communication. It will help you feel compassionate if you adopt the point of view that your child's misbehavior is an attempt to communicate something to you, not a conspiracy to make your life miserable. Observing characteristics of typical responses will help you identify what message your daughter is trying to communicate by her actions; subsequently, you will overcome your first impulse to strangle her, and gently guide her to use acceptable means to convey the same message. You can use the parenting and classroom discipline guides listed below to identify your child's modalities and the appropriate redirection techniques. Most experts recommend totally ignoring undesirable behavior, which shows that they are obviously not dealing with kids on a regular basis. I confess my bias against the past tendency to treat developmentally-delayed children as trainable pets, using behavior modification. A rewards-and-punishment system is tempting because it works in the moment, but as demonstrated by Alfie Kohn, over time it loses its effectiveness altogether. In contrast, I believe in the Adlerian approach, explained by Drs. Dreikurs and Nelsen, which supports positive strategies that maintain children's self-respect, regardless of their IQ. The books on the list have more than enough ideas for positive responses.

When you feel that you have a handle on your child's behavior at home, you can go a step further in giving him extra ammunition. Know the crowd you are going to hang out with: what is the appropriate decorum, expected verbal- and body-language, acceptable toys, food etc. If your kid loves playing with toy guns, for example, you might have to do a lot of preparation when going to a radically-pacifist group (find out how they feel about pointing an index finger and making explosion sounds). Modify the home curriculum according to your daughter's particular challenge. If she can't read and the kids in the homeschool group have a book-discussion club, have her listen to audio books, so she can say she also read them. Find out what help your son is willing to accept from other children. Having kids try to help him do things he would rather try to do himself will only make him feel incompetent. Role-play possible conflict scenarios, until your child has an arsenal of responses she can draw from when necessary. If you are not afraid to make a complete fool of yourself, demonstrate responses that are so absurd, they are obviously wrong (at least I hope my son gets it that I'm showing him how not to react). I might say, for example, "Let's pretend we walk into the community center, and one boy says, 'Good morning, Joseph.'. Here's what you do: You totally ignore him. No, wait! You answer him and say, 'What's so good about this morning, you dummy?'" Well, when my son was younger, the above impromptu bit got a lot of laughs, but now when I do it he thinks I'm a dork.

Out In Public: Helping With The Social Situation

I don't know about you, but I'm not afraid of committing social blunders. I expect other guests at a soirée to automatically forgive my faux-pas, understanding that not everyone has had the same advantages in life. Specifically, because I was toilet-trained much too early, I am impaired in my ability to carry on decent cocktail-party banter. I've also expected other kids at homeschool co-ops to show compassion towards my son, magnanimously inviting him to join their games, while understanding his need for special consideration, such as not being tagged in a game of tag. I know readers will be as shocked as I was to find out that things didn't happen that way! With advice from friends, I've developed some strategies.

In a new group, it's best to be up-front about your kid's challenges, especially if the disability is obvious. There's no point in having everyone at park day create a pool, betting on the possible diagnosis. But don't overdo it by attaching a hand-painted sign to your daughter's T-shirt, spelling out her disability. A golden medium is to introduce your child with objective and plain language: "My daughter has Down's Syndrome. This means that she might approach other children and try to hug them to pieces." I've found that reporting what you (have done/are doing/plan to do) about the disability spares you from receiving ill-informed annoying advice you have to listen to while feigning interest. You might also tell other parents how to handle possible scenarios, so that when undesirable things happen, such as your kid reciting the last five minutes from the movie Austin Powers II, no one can say you hadn't warned them. When you are frank and straightforward, if your kid misbehaves, at least you are treated with sympathy and compassion, an obvious victim of the situation yourself. Keep your side of the bargain and do not unleash an unsupervised socially-inept kid on an unsuspecting group of children. It is not fair to expect that a group will automatically support your right to socialize your kid at everyone's expense. Other children are not mere lab-instruments in your private little social experiment. Be willing to supervise your child at play and intervene in conflicts, being as fair-minded as possible, considering you know your child is always right. Also, it's good to have realistic expectations. There's only so far other parents and kids will go to support you. If you demand that no one lay a hand on, speak to, or look at your kid, because he is sensitive to being touched, talked-to, and watched, you've pretty much eliminated any possibility of social interaction. There's no guarantee that every group you come into will be supportive and understanding, but at least you can feel good that you've done everything you could. If you find that a medium size group doesn't work, try to enlist a few friends to have smaller get-togethers, or settle for individual playdates. Seek out support groups for parents of children with the same disability, or any disability; you will likely find the most sympathy and encouragement from parents whose kids present challenges of their own. Time is your best ally. Your child might be ready for social situations he couldn't handle a year ago. Kids are surprisingly compassionate when given a chance. Hopefully, when they get all the information, other kids and parents will be kind and caring. Over time they will learn that it's not only them helping out the child with challenges, but realize they have something to gain from the friendship.

Coping Strategies:

Identify what messages are communicated by your kid's misbehavior
Develop a stockpile of positive responses for redirecting misbehavior
Know the expectations of the group you are going to hang out with
Modify curriculum to compensate for disabilities
Talk to your kid to know what help he is willing to accept
Role-play possible conflict scenarios
Be frank and straightforward about your kid's challenges
Share you own plan of coping with the disability
Be ready to supervise play and intervene when necessary
Have realistic expectations of others' tolerance
Enlist a few friends to have smaller get-togethers
... Have hope!